Parallel parenting is an arrangement that is commonly used when divorced parents find it difficult to communicate or cooperate directly. Instead of joint decision-making, each parent takes responsibility for day-to-day decisions when the child is in their care, with only limited communication between the parents on major issues such as health, education, or welfare.
Parallel parenting tends to be effective when there are high levels of conflict between the two parents and there is a need to avoid disputes, cases involving domestic abuse, or situations involving a narcissistic spouse. Parallel parenting is different from co-parenting in a number of ways. With co-parenting, parents work together, share information, and often make joint decisions about their child’s upbringing. In contrast, parallel parenting reduces direct interaction, allowing each parent to manage daily routines independently while still ensuring the child maintains a meaningful relationship with both.
In some cases, it may be necessary to get a court order (i.e. a Child Arrangement Order) to ensure that parallel parenting is effective; however, this may not be needed if both parents can agree on the plan and cooperate. In some situations, especially in high-conflict cases, it may be necessary to apply to the court to enforce the parallel parenting arrangement.
How does parallel parenting work?
Parallel parenting works by setting clear boundaries so that each parent has responsibility for the child when the child is in their care without the need for frequent communication or negotiation. The aim of this type of arrangement is to reduce conflict and allow the child to enjoy time with both parents in a more stable environment. Arrangements are usually structured in detail, often through a parenting plan or court order, to avoid confusion and disputes and keep interactions between parents to a minimum.
Parallel parenting tends to work in the following way:
- Each parent has their own set times for contact with the child, such as alternate weekends or certain days of the week
- Day-to-day decisions (e.g. bedtimes, meals, and activities) are made by the parent the child is staying with at the time
- Major decisions about health, education, or religion may still require joint discussion
- Parents may agree not to attend the same school events or medical appointments to avoid direct conflict, with updates shared separately.
Examples of parallel parenting:
- A child lives with their mother during the week and stays with their father every other weekend. In this case, both parents play a role in making day-to-day decisions for the child, such as bedtime routines during their own time.
- If the child has a school play, one parent might attend the afternoon performance while the other attends the evening show, avoiding direct contact.
- If the child needs medical treatment, one parent books and attends the appointment, then shares a summary with the other in writing.
It is important to understand that to make parallel parenting work and legally enforceable, you must have a structured and detailed plan, such as a parallel parenting plan. This will ensure that you both uphold your individual responsibilities while reducing conflict. Do bear in mind, however, that a parallel parenting plan on its own is not legally binding unless it is part of a court-issued Child Arrangement Order.
When drafting a parallel parenting plan, we recommend including the following details:
- How often, why, and in what way parents should communicate about their children
- A parenting schedule detailing each parent’s time with the children, covering holidays, term breaks, and notable occasions
- Detailed procedures for pick-up and drop-off, specifying locations and times.
- Guidelines for communication between parents regarding the child, outlining preferred methods and expected response times
- How disputes and disagreements should be resolved, such as through mediation or using a third-party
- Rules regarding participation in school activities, medical appointments, and extracurricular events
- Separate responsibilities for each parent, such as decision-making on education, healthcare, and religion
- Instructions for exchanging information about the child’s well-being and major developments
- How changes can be made to the parenting plan, including notice requirements
- Safety and emergency considerations, including how to communicate and act in urgent situations, and
Confidentiality and privacy, clarifying what information can be shared outside the parenting arrangement.
What are the advantages and disadvantages of parallel parenting?
Parallel parenting is often recommended for high-conflict situations where traditional co-parenting is not feasible; however, it is important to understand the pros and cons of this style of parenting before proceeding.
Advantages of parallel parenting:
- Reduces conflict between parents – less communication and independence in decision-making lowers the possibility of disputes
- Minimises child exposure to conflict – children can be shielded from witnessing arguments and hostility
- Focuses on the child’s needs – parents can prioritise parenting over managing their relationship with each other
- Maintains relationships with both parents – children can continue to have significant involvement with both parents, promoting their well-being
- Greater autonomy for parents – each parent can set and enforce their household’s own routines, rules, and values
- Promotes healing for parents – by reducing direct contact, parents have more opportunity for personal recovery post-separation or divorce
- Improved child outcomes – potential for better school performance, higher self-esteem, and fewer behavioural and emotional issues
- Provides a clear and predictable structure – clear schedules and boundaries provide stability for both the child and the parent
Disadvantages of parallel parenting
- Can lead to confusion for the child – children may struggle to adapt to different household rules and expectations
- Parents risk missing key moments – parallel parenting can mean missing out on milestones or events where both parents’ presence is better for the child
- Potential isolation for parents – parents may feel disconnected from their child’s experiences and decisions handled solely by the other parent
- Children may feel pressure to take sides – a lack of unified parenting may make children feel caught between loyalties
- Reduced flexibility – last-minute changes or coordination for emergencies may be more difficult due to minimal communication
- Does not resolve underlying issues – parallel parenting avoids conflict but does not necessarily address the causes of it, as such, issues may persist if not eventually addressed.
